My little love, Jayde.

"Successful mothers are not the ones that have never struggled. They are the ones that never give up, despite the struggles." -Sharon Jaynes 

I'm not gonna lie things have been tough lately, not with Jayde, but with my life. Figuring out our new path and how to handle it all can be pretty overwhelming. But as I sit here I can't help but be grateful that I got to stay home with my daughter for 10 whole months! Now as I prepare to return to work, I can't help but be sad. I don't want to leave her. Ever. I want to be the one with her everyday. But I know it's to better our lives. So I know I must do it. I can't help but just reflect on how beautiful her life has been so far and how much more amazing our future is looking. Jayde is blossoming into a beautiful little girl and I'm amazed I had part in that. To know she looks at me as her mom, still to this day melts my heart. I couldn't be more grateful to be her mother. And I am so fortunate she was chosen to be my daughter. When I look at our story I'm so overwhelmed with love for this journey we're going through. Knowing that each day we are one day closer to adoption puts me at peace. I cannot wait to close this Foster Care journey and open a new chapter! 

Jayde is learning something new everyday and it's incredible to watch her comprehend things. She is so intelligent and picks things up so quickly! We go on our trip to San Antonio tomorrow and I'm so excited to travel more with her! I get to show her more of the US and she gets to meet her Auntie Trin and celebrate her new baby cousin! We cannot wait! 

Each day I love her more and more.  

9 months with Jayde.

"And to be a mother is to finally understand that love that people talk about, that soul-crushing, all-encompassing love for your child that nothing could prepare you for and nothing compares to." 

It's amazing to me that Jayde has been in my life for 9 months as of tomorrow! 9 months and 6 days ago it was just a normal day for me, wishing I could be a mommy. Not knowing if that day would ever come. Little did I know that 5 days later I'd get the call about a little baby who needed a home. Now that little baby is crawling and almost walking, and her life has flashed before my eyes. My heart is outside my body and every day is a new adventure with her. She's the most amazing little girl I've ever met, and I am so incredibly lucky I get to be her mommy! 

When I think back, I remember how long 9 months of trying to become a mommy felt. It was never ending, and it went so slow in my eyes! Now here as a mommy, 9 months have flown in a blink of an eye. There's no way I could ever describe just how much I have not only loved being a mom, but being a mom to Jayde! She couldn't be more perfect for me. She's made me grow so much as a person! It's not always rainbows and sunshine, there's days where I wonder if I'm giving her enough. Or wonder if I'm doing enough for her! There's days where I'm so exhausted I don't know how I'll push through. There's nights where I feel guilty for enjoying my "me" time! But in those rare moments where I walk into her room after nap and I see her cute little face light up when she sees me, and I know that I'm hers. I feel so overwhelmed by her love sometimes because I don't feel worthy of such a perfect little human. 

She's got 4 (yes FOUR) teeth now! They all came in within a month! She's got her next check up next week (shell get her shots then! :( ) She's standing up on everything and climbing everywhere! She's learning something new everyday. She's eating more food and branching out to foods that mommy doesn't like. It's incredible for me to watch her figure things out, you can see by her facial expressions how it'll just click in her head. I can't describe the love I have for her but I'll spend forever showing her. She is and always will be my baby. 

Evalina Jayde. 

What a year.

No present under the tree could top the best gift of all, my sweet girl❤️ 

Honestly, there is no gift in the world I could've been given that would've topped finally becoming a mommy and daddy. Every holiday has been so much fun having a little one around and I know they'll only be better once her daddy is home! I still wake up each morning and can't believe this little girl is mine. It's so surreal that she even happened! After waiting so long and finally having her here in my arms, I don't think this feeling will ever go away. She's the most beautiful little soul I've ever met. So this year as I sit and reflect on it all, I appreciate the good times and the bad times! And I appreciate everything that led us to Jayde. 2015 was amazing, I can only imagine how 2016 will go. I hope everyone out there struggling with fertility can one day feel this joy, whether it be your own biological child or through adoption. Merry Christmas everyone! Time to go enjoy a Christmas morning nap with Jayde! 

Our Dream Come True

"Parenthood requires Love, not DNA" 

The past couple weeks have been rough for us. Jayde has bronchitis and its lasting forever! Last night I was watching her sleep in my arms and I was just thinking about life before her and how many times I wished for her. How many nights I wished at 11:11 for a baby, how many times I wished on an eyelash, and how many prayers I prayed. How everytime I felt like I was losing hope and faith id pick myself back up and keep moving forward. I'm still in shock that everything we went through resulted in Jayde. Our oh so perfect, healthy baby girl. I've dreamt so long about getting baby converse for our child (we wear chucks all the time), I never let myself but any because I had lost hope. So this was a big moment for me. Being able to finally get our dream come true! It's the little things that I'm so appreciative for! I've always passed those little kiosks in the mall around Christmas time that have personalized ornaments and hoped one day I'd be able to get one for our baby. Well this year that came true, and when I put it on the tree I could've cried. 

I honestly don't ever think I'll get over the fact that Jayde is really ours. I'm so grateful everyday for her, and every dream we get to make come true because of her. The day she was born a new life for us began. I'll never forget everything we went through to get to this point. 

I'll love you forever Evalina Jayde💗 

200 days.

"Her smile makes me smile. Her laugh is infectious. Her heart is pure and true. Above all I love that she is my daughter."

It has been 200 days since Jayde was born (201 today actually) and that means she's been in Foster Care for that long. Almost 7 months. We are one step closer to our adoption ceremony. Her adoption has been approved by the board of social services! (YAY!) So we have a couple steps left before making a final date! We are so beyond excited for that day! Although my husband won't be here for it, we can't wait til she's officially a Ward! We have waited over 4 years for this moment! When we start a family! I feel like the moment they officially announce her as ours I will be able to breathe again. Right now I feel as though I'm holding my breath waiting for something to happen even though I know she's ours. I just can't wait til it's legal on paper. I'm ready to move on to the next chapter in our life with Jayde. Planning her gotcha day party, planning for her daddy's homecoming, planning her first birthday party, my brother graduating then leaving for bootcamp, and so much more! I know a month or two may not seem like very long to you, but to me it seems like an eternity when I'm so ready for this all to be done and official! Jayde has stolen our hearts and I'm hoping and praying that she won't be our "foster child" for too much longer! To us she has and always will be our daughter, Jayde.  

National Adoption Day

Happy National Adoption Day! 

Today is a day to celebrate Adoption! This thing that has become the biggest part of my life recently. Adoption is not all rainbows and sunshine. Is consists of loss for one set of parents and happiness for the new set. It's something that will have an effect on my daughter for the rest of her life. I am absolutely dreading the day when I hear those words "You're not my real mom!" Cause I know they'll happen one day. 

But when this sweet child looks into my eyes and smiles and reaches for me, she sees no color, she doesn't see someone who's not her biological mom. She sees her mama. That's love. I am the lucky one that will get to be called mama! Adoption did this for me. For 4 years I've longed to be called mama. I've dreamt of this life and always wondered what it would be like. Never did I imagine it would happen this way, but boy I am so grateful it did. This little girl is the most perfect child for John and I. 

Now it's not perfect everyday. In fact no day is perfect because my husbands not home with us. John left the day she came home from the hospital, he left for pre deployment training for the next 4.5 months. Then would deploy right after that. He won't be home until Jayde is almost one. That is what makes everyday not perfect, not having him here to enjoy this life we've dreamt of for so long. But we live for FaceTime calls, and he melts at the fact that she said Da-Da (her first word) right to him. This little girl has stolen his heart. 

Now I know this post is so all over the place, but that's my life. So much going on all at once. I wouldn't have it any other way (besides this stupid deployment). I cannot wait for our adoption ceremony to seal the deal and have her officially be Evalina Jayde Ward. Now I will not ever label myself as an Adoptive mom, because I'm just simply a mom. But I will ALWAYS be proud to have Jayde as our daughter and I'll always be thankful for adoption. I now know what it's like to have my heart outside my body. 

These two are my whole world. 

Jane Doe

"We didn't give you the gift of life, Life gave us the gift of you" 

This post might be all over the place. I probably should've made it a two part post but that's ok. So here we go. When Jayde was born her Birthmom didn't give her a name. So legally, by law, her name is Jane Doe. I hate it. I hate that she is even associated with that name because at doctors appointments, our court hearings and just about everything else they call her Jane Doe. Now for some reason her social worker got give her a name to go by in the DSS system. So he picked Eva Grace. When we went to meet her, the Nurses asked us what we were going to name her and we told her we had a name picked out but we weren't sure if we would get to choose it or not. But we told them our name was Jayde. So the nurses started calling her that, and of course that made things more real for us. Now we couldn't come up with a middle name we liked, you'd think after 4 years of trying we would've had this set already but now with it being a real situation we wanted to make sure it felt right. So because our top name had always been Evalina Jayde we decided to go with it and just call her Jayde. Her social worker ended up asking us what we were planning on naming her and we told him. So technically Jayde has 3 unofficial names right now. This breaks my heart only because I'm so ready for her to be associated with Evalina Jayde and ONLY that. 

Part 2: 

Now the other day I was sitting with Tiffany (Tiff is my best friend here in VA) and we were talking about baby names  and their meanings. She just had her little girl and her name is Alamea Rose. Alamea means Precious. I loved the idea of knowing what her name meant! I had never looked up what Evalina meant before, so I did that day. And to my surprise, the meaning fit our journey so well. 

Evalina means Life. To me that is so special and so important. She has changed our life, and given us a new one. She has become the most important part of our life. Her Birthmom chose to give her life. So to me, that is just so fitting for our sweet girl. 

The moral of this post, is that John and I cannot wait til she is Officially and Legally Evalina Jayde Ward! That day will mark a new chapter for us, and I can't wait.