What a year.

No present under the tree could top the best gift of all, my sweet girl❤️ 

Honestly, there is no gift in the world I could've been given that would've topped finally becoming a mommy and daddy. Every holiday has been so much fun having a little one around and I know they'll only be better once her daddy is home! I still wake up each morning and can't believe this little girl is mine. It's so surreal that she even happened! After waiting so long and finally having her here in my arms, I don't think this feeling will ever go away. She's the most beautiful little soul I've ever met. So this year as I sit and reflect on it all, I appreciate the good times and the bad times! And I appreciate everything that led us to Jayde. 2015 was amazing, I can only imagine how 2016 will go. I hope everyone out there struggling with fertility can one day feel this joy, whether it be your own biological child or through adoption. Merry Christmas everyone! Time to go enjoy a Christmas morning nap with Jayde! 

Our Dream Come True

"Parenthood requires Love, not DNA" 

The past couple weeks have been rough for us. Jayde has bronchitis and its lasting forever! Last night I was watching her sleep in my arms and I was just thinking about life before her and how many times I wished for her. How many nights I wished at 11:11 for a baby, how many times I wished on an eyelash, and how many prayers I prayed. How everytime I felt like I was losing hope and faith id pick myself back up and keep moving forward. I'm still in shock that everything we went through resulted in Jayde. Our oh so perfect, healthy baby girl. I've dreamt so long about getting baby converse for our child (we wear chucks all the time), I never let myself but any because I had lost hope. So this was a big moment for me. Being able to finally get our dream come true! It's the little things that I'm so appreciative for! I've always passed those little kiosks in the mall around Christmas time that have personalized ornaments and hoped one day I'd be able to get one for our baby. Well this year that came true, and when I put it on the tree I could've cried. 

I honestly don't ever think I'll get over the fact that Jayde is really ours. I'm so grateful everyday for her, and every dream we get to make come true because of her. The day she was born a new life for us began. I'll never forget everything we went through to get to this point. 

I'll love you forever Evalina Jayde💗 

200 days.

"Her smile makes me smile. Her laugh is infectious. Her heart is pure and true. Above all I love that she is my daughter."

It has been 200 days since Jayde was born (201 today actually) and that means she's been in Foster Care for that long. Almost 7 months. We are one step closer to our adoption ceremony. Her adoption has been approved by the board of social services! (YAY!) So we have a couple steps left before making a final date! We are so beyond excited for that day! Although my husband won't be here for it, we can't wait til she's officially a Ward! We have waited over 4 years for this moment! When we start a family! I feel like the moment they officially announce her as ours I will be able to breathe again. Right now I feel as though I'm holding my breath waiting for something to happen even though I know she's ours. I just can't wait til it's legal on paper. I'm ready to move on to the next chapter in our life with Jayde. Planning her gotcha day party, planning for her daddy's homecoming, planning her first birthday party, my brother graduating then leaving for bootcamp, and so much more! I know a month or two may not seem like very long to you, but to me it seems like an eternity when I'm so ready for this all to be done and official! Jayde has stolen our hearts and I'm hoping and praying that she won't be our "foster child" for too much longer! To us she has and always will be our daughter, Jayde.  

National Adoption Day

Happy National Adoption Day! 

Today is a day to celebrate Adoption! This thing that has become the biggest part of my life recently. Adoption is not all rainbows and sunshine. Is consists of loss for one set of parents and happiness for the new set. It's something that will have an effect on my daughter for the rest of her life. I am absolutely dreading the day when I hear those words "You're not my real mom!" Cause I know they'll happen one day. 

But when this sweet child looks into my eyes and smiles and reaches for me, she sees no color, she doesn't see someone who's not her biological mom. She sees her mama. That's love. I am the lucky one that will get to be called mama! Adoption did this for me. For 4 years I've longed to be called mama. I've dreamt of this life and always wondered what it would be like. Never did I imagine it would happen this way, but boy I am so grateful it did. This little girl is the most perfect child for John and I. 

Now it's not perfect everyday. In fact no day is perfect because my husbands not home with us. John left the day she came home from the hospital, he left for pre deployment training for the next 4.5 months. Then would deploy right after that. He won't be home until Jayde is almost one. That is what makes everyday not perfect, not having him here to enjoy this life we've dreamt of for so long. But we live for FaceTime calls, and he melts at the fact that she said Da-Da (her first word) right to him. This little girl has stolen his heart. 

Now I know this post is so all over the place, but that's my life. So much going on all at once. I wouldn't have it any other way (besides this stupid deployment). I cannot wait for our adoption ceremony to seal the deal and have her officially be Evalina Jayde Ward. Now I will not ever label myself as an Adoptive mom, because I'm just simply a mom. But I will ALWAYS be proud to have Jayde as our daughter and I'll always be thankful for adoption. I now know what it's like to have my heart outside my body. 

These two are my whole world. 

Jane Doe

"We didn't give you the gift of life, Life gave us the gift of you" 

This post might be all over the place. I probably should've made it a two part post but that's ok. So here we go. When Jayde was born her Birthmom didn't give her a name. So legally, by law, her name is Jane Doe. I hate it. I hate that she is even associated with that name because at doctors appointments, our court hearings and just about everything else they call her Jane Doe. Now for some reason her social worker got give her a name to go by in the DSS system. So he picked Eva Grace. When we went to meet her, the Nurses asked us what we were going to name her and we told her we had a name picked out but we weren't sure if we would get to choose it or not. But we told them our name was Jayde. So the nurses started calling her that, and of course that made things more real for us. Now we couldn't come up with a middle name we liked, you'd think after 4 years of trying we would've had this set already but now with it being a real situation we wanted to make sure it felt right. So because our top name had always been Evalina Jayde we decided to go with it and just call her Jayde. Her social worker ended up asking us what we were planning on naming her and we told him. So technically Jayde has 3 unofficial names right now. This breaks my heart only because I'm so ready for her to be associated with Evalina Jayde and ONLY that. 

Part 2: 

Now the other day I was sitting with Tiffany (Tiff is my best friend here in VA) and we were talking about baby names  and their meanings. She just had her little girl and her name is Alamea Rose. Alamea means Precious. I loved the idea of knowing what her name meant! I had never looked up what Evalina meant before, so I did that day. And to my surprise, the meaning fit our journey so well. 

Evalina means Life. To me that is so special and so important. She has changed our life, and given us a new one. She has become the most important part of our life. Her Birthmom chose to give her life. So to me, that is just so fitting for our sweet girl. 

The moral of this post, is that John and I cannot wait til she is Officially and Legally Evalina Jayde Ward! That day will mark a new chapter for us, and I can't wait. 

A letter to my daughter's birth mom.

"A birthmother puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart" Skye Hardwick

Dear Birthmom,

I honestly don't even know how to start this off besides saying thank you a million times. What you did was so courageous and shows me that you must've been a strong woman. I hope Jayde inherits that trait from you. Everyone who knows Jayde's story is sad for what you did, but I tell them "It is not by any means a sad thing. Her Birthmom loved her enough to give her a better life." I don't know what your circumstances were that caused you to choose this path, but I commend you for making this tough choice. I wish I could tell you how grateful I am for Jayde. You gave her to us. You kept her healthy, and I could never thank you enough for that. I promise that John and I will be the best parents we can be to her and I promise to always remind her that you loved her. I promise to help make her proud of who she is, and her story. I promise to love her as my own. I promise to never let a day go by without telling her I love her. Although we may not know who you are, I will forever have a connection with you. The greatest gift in our life was given to us by you. There is no way "Thank you" will ever be enough. So just know that Jayde will be given the best life possible, and she will be loved forever. You will always be in my heart, and I hope you think of us too. 

Sincerely,

One very happy mommy. 

Jayde is Half a year old!

Today, 6 months ago it was just a normal day. I went to grab lunch with Tiffany and during that lunch I got a call from our social worker. I didn't answer at first because we hadn't finished everything yet so I thought she was calling about our next step. Then she called again, I thought well I better answer in case it's an emergency. When I answered I couldn't believe what she had said. There was a baby that would most likely go to adoption and she needed a home. She then asked if we would be willing to take her in. Of course I said YES. Without even speaking to John, bad I know, but I was so overwhelmed with emotion. That day after John got off work we went to visit this baby. When we got there she was in the NICU and we had to scrub up for what felt like the longest 30 seconds of my life. I couldn't believe that in 30 seconds we would meet our possible future child. Once we walked back to where she was, we were so overcome with emotion. I was shaking and I couldn't believe what was happening. There she was, so small and so beautiful. She was in an incubator and we couldn't hold her that day so we just sat and observed this beautiful little girl. The next day when we went to the hospital we scrubbed up again and the nurse said "Ok she's back there feel free to pick her up" and sent us on our way. I was so confused I thought we'd have help getting her out cause we were so nervous. But as soon as we saw her she was crying and it was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. I picked her up and she instantly stopped crying. I was overwhelmed with love for this little girl I had just met. When I placed her in John's arms I couldn't stop smiling from ear to ear. I was so happy that finally after so long and so many ups and downs we were finally parents. That was 6 months ago. Here we are today with a gorgeous happy and healthy SIX month old! She's growing so much and learning something new everyday. It's still so surreal that I'm a mommy! We love being her parents, and were so happy to have her in our lives. She's so perfect for us, and we couldn't have dreamt up a more beautiful little girl! We look forward to the next six months and the rest of forever with our little Princess!