Saturday, October 1, 2016

Rushing through Motherhood.

“Being a mom has made me so tired. And so happy.” – Tina Fey

So I don't know about you guys, but motherhood is so damn tiring. Good days and bad days I am just tired. Right now it doesn't help that I'm 9 months pregnant, so I'm just extra tired. But my goodness chasing after an energized 1.5 year old should be a job itself. I should be able to put that in my skills on future job applications. My child is on another level y'all. She's constantly into something, and never stops. Not even for a second. And lately she's been giving me the fight of my life at bedtime. So by the end of the day I am just completely drained. I knew that being a mom would be difficult, I definitely didn't expect rainbows and sunshines everyday, but my goodness I give props to all moms out there. You're doing a great job. I know some days it may not seem like it, but you are! I promise. 

Now onto the point of this post. This past year (2016) I have found myself rushing through my days. It's pretty much been a routine and I look forward to bedtime, simply so I can just get a break. Days like today are tough, when Jayde is just fighting me on EVERYTHING and nothing makes her happy. Yet she's 1.5, what more could I expect. She can't speak yet and can't voice her emotions properly so she shows it by throwing fits and fighting me. So I spend my day just waiting for bedtime, watching the clock counting how many hours until I can have some peace and rest. Obviously this isn't her everyday, majority of days she's super happy and that's it. But as I get bigger and more pregnant she seems to become more wild and more crazy. I'll be honest with you, days like today I just can't keep up. I just wanna throw in the towel and sleep for days. The child in my tummy is making it so I can't breathe and the child outside my tummy is screaming so loud I can't hear myself think. 

But tonight, after bath time, I was holding Jayde and rocking her in her room. Just embracing her touch and her loving cause she was actually not screaming for once today. I sat there and literally took in everything. The shine of the light on her beautiful big brown eyes, the smell of her freshly bathed hair, how tightly she grasped my arms as she hugged me. And I cried softly, because as most of the day I sat wishing it by, I now realized this could be one of my last days with her as an only child. I felt guilty. I try my hardest everyday to be the best most patient mother I can be, and in moments like we were sharing I cannot help but feel so guilty that today I just couldn't be the best for her. We were both just tired and grumpy. So we sat for a while before bed and just hugged as I rocked her and patted her back. Then there was a moment where she looked up at me, put her hands on my face and gave me a kiss. That moment solidified everything for me, that this is just a hard day. 

I need to stop rushing through days, and embrace them as they come. Yes today may be a bad day for us both, (as she's currently fighting bedtime for the millionth time) but these days won't last forever, and soon enough she won't need me to tuck her in or cuddle her before bed. Soon I'll have TWO babies to worry about for bedtime and it won't just be Jayde and mommy time. The days are so fast but the years are so short. Tonight really showed me that I need to slow down and enjoy every day with Jayde, and soon Sloane, even if they can be tiny monsters who I think hate me half the time. 

So once again moms, if you're having a hard day just remember it doesn't last forever. Our babies are only small for so long. We will all have bad days and that doesn't mean we're bad moms. Last but not least remember to slow down and not rush through motherhood. It's already flying by, so we shouldn't rush it even more. Hug them tighter, love on them longer, and smother them with kisses all the time. 

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Birth Mom.

“Giving birth does not make a mother…Placing a child for adoption does not make her less of one.”

It's been almost a month since Jayde turned one. In fact it'll be a month tomorrow. And I've been thinking a lot about her birthmom. In fact I cried on the phone yesterday with my mom, just talking about her. All I've been able to think of is how much hurt she must've had on Jaydes birthday. While we're here celebrating her turning one and being in our lives for a whole year, I forgot to stop and think about the fact that her birth mom has been without her for a whole year. That broke my heart. Don't get me wrong I am forever grateful for my sweet Jayde, but to imagine a life without her kills me. From now on I've decided on every birthday to stop and take a moment to just send up a thank you to her birthmom. I hope she knows Jayde is happy, I hope she feels she made the right choice. Although I'm sure she still feels the pain of her loss, I hope she never forgets why she made this decision. I know I'll never stop being thankful. 

Moments like these make me fearful for the future, the days when Jayde asks me about her and I don't know what to say. It makes me wish we knew something about her. Or what she looks like. I wonder if we've walked by her in the grocery store and both had no clue. Adoption is such a wonderful thing, but I'll never stop thinking about the pain it must've caused on her end. Jayde is the greatest gift in my life (besides her little sibling I'm currently making) and I really wish I could just hug this woman and say thank you for bringing me back to life. For giving me the one thing I've always longed for. On top of that, she gave me the most perfect little human for me. 

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

11 Whole months of Jayde

Has it really been 11 months? 11 months since I first got the call that I was gonna be a mommy! 11 months since I laid eyes on her beautiful dark haired chubby cheeked little face. That's insane to me. She has learned so much since 8 months that she's not even the same baby! I look at photos and I can't believe how quickly she's changed before my eyes! 

- She's walking EVERYWHERE
- She loves dancing 
- She's experiencing more "stranger danger"
- Her favorite person in the world is her grandpa! 
- She loves animals
- Swimming/Water is her favorite thing
- She's more interested in things that aren't toys

And the list goes on and on! 

I've cried a couple times the past few weeks (including this morning) just thinking about her turning one. I'm enjoying every second with her, but everyday she moves further and further away from being a baby and closer to being a toddler. I never in my life thought it could go this fast. She's the happiest little baby and the way she lights up when I walk in the room just melts my heart! I've never felt so lucky, as I have when I was chosen to be her mommy. 

I'm hoping to have her adoption done by August. We've had some setbacks and although it stinks, I know it'll happen and I just have to be patient! But boy oh boy I can't wait til the day she's finally LEGALLY mine and no one else's! I can't wait to be able to make every single choice for her without having to ask her social worker. I can't wait to have the weight of foster care taken off my shoulders, and just know how happy I am to take her out of the system. She's been home since the moment I met her. I am her home, and she is mine. My heart is hers. And her heart is mine! 

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

My little love, Jayde.

"Successful mothers are not the ones that have never struggled. They are the ones that never give up, despite the struggles." -Sharon Jaynes 

I'm not gonna lie things have been tough lately, not with Jayde, but with my life. Figuring out our new path and how to handle it all can be pretty overwhelming. But as I sit here I can't help but be grateful that I got to stay home with my daughter for 10 whole months! Now as I prepare to return to work, I can't help but be sad. I don't want to leave her. Ever. I want to be the one with her everyday. But I know it's to better our lives. So I know I must do it. I can't help but just reflect on how beautiful her life has been so far and how much more amazing our future is looking. Jayde is blossoming into a beautiful little girl and I'm amazed I had part in that. To know she looks at me as her mom, still to this day melts my heart. I couldn't be more grateful to be her mother. And I am so fortunate she was chosen to be my daughter. When I look at our story I'm so overwhelmed with love for this journey we're going through. Knowing that each day we are one day closer to adoption puts me at peace. I cannot wait to close this Foster Care journey and open a new chapter! 

Jayde is learning something new everyday and it's incredible to watch her comprehend things. She is so intelligent and picks things up so quickly! We go on our trip to San Antonio tomorrow and I'm so excited to travel more with her! I get to show her more of the US and she gets to meet her Auntie Trin and celebrate her new baby cousin! We cannot wait! 

Each day I love her more and more.  

Thursday, February 11, 2016

9 months with Jayde.

"And to be a mother is to finally understand that love that people talk about, that soul-crushing, all-encompassing love for your child that nothing could prepare you for and nothing compares to." 

It's amazing to me that Jayde has been in my life for 9 months as of tomorrow! 9 months and 6 days ago it was just a normal day for me, wishing I could be a mommy. Not knowing if that day would ever come. Little did I know that 5 days later I'd get the call about a little baby who needed a home. Now that little baby is crawling and almost walking, and her life has flashed before my eyes. My heart is outside my body and every day is a new adventure with her. She's the most amazing little girl I've ever met, and I am so incredibly lucky I get to be her mommy! 

When I think back, I remember how long 9 months of trying to become a mommy felt. It was never ending, and it went so slow in my eyes! Now here as a mommy, 9 months have flown in a blink of an eye. There's no way I could ever describe just how much I have not only loved being a mom, but being a mom to Jayde! She couldn't be more perfect for me. She's made me grow so much as a person! It's not always rainbows and sunshine, there's days where I wonder if I'm giving her enough. Or wonder if I'm doing enough for her! There's days where I'm so exhausted I don't know how I'll push through. There's nights where I feel guilty for enjoying my "me" time! But in those rare moments where I walk into her room after nap and I see her cute little face light up when she sees me, and I know that I'm hers. I feel so overwhelmed by her love sometimes because I don't feel worthy of such a perfect little human. 

She's got 4 (yes FOUR) teeth now! They all came in within a month! She's got her next check up next week (shell get her shots then! :( ) She's standing up on everything and climbing everywhere! She's learning something new everyday. She's eating more food and branching out to foods that mommy doesn't like. It's incredible for me to watch her figure things out, you can see by her facial expressions how it'll just click in her head. I can't describe the love I have for her but I'll spend forever showing her. She is and always will be my baby. 

Evalina Jayde. 

Thursday, December 24, 2015

What a year.

No present under the tree could top the best gift of all, my sweet girl❤️ 

Honestly, there is no gift in the world I could've been given that would've topped finally becoming a mommy and daddy. Every holiday has been so much fun having a little one around and I know they'll only be better once her daddy is home! I still wake up each morning and can't believe this little girl is mine. It's so surreal that she even happened! After waiting so long and finally having her here in my arms, I don't think this feeling will ever go away. She's the most beautiful little soul I've ever met. So this year as I sit and reflect on it all, I appreciate the good times and the bad times! And I appreciate everything that led us to Jayde. 2015 was amazing, I can only imagine how 2016 will go. I hope everyone out there struggling with fertility can one day feel this joy, whether it be your own biological child or through adoption. Merry Christmas everyone! Time to go enjoy a Christmas morning nap with Jayde! 

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Our Dream Come True

"Parenthood requires Love, not DNA" 

The past couple weeks have been rough for us. Jayde has bronchitis and its lasting forever! Last night I was watching her sleep in my arms and I was just thinking about life before her and how many times I wished for her. How many nights I wished at 11:11 for a baby, how many times I wished on an eyelash, and how many prayers I prayed. How everytime I felt like I was losing hope and faith id pick myself back up and keep moving forward. I'm still in shock that everything we went through resulted in Jayde. Our oh so perfect, healthy baby girl. I've dreamt so long about getting baby converse for our child (we wear chucks all the time), I never let myself but any because I had lost hope. So this was a big moment for me. Being able to finally get our dream come true! It's the little things that I'm so appreciative for! I've always passed those little kiosks in the mall around Christmas time that have personalized ornaments and hoped one day I'd be able to get one for our baby. Well this year that came true, and when I put it on the tree I could've cried. 
I honestly don't ever think I'll get over the fact that Jayde is really ours. I'm so grateful everyday for her, and every dream we get to make come true because of her. The day she was born a new life for us began. I'll never forget everything we went through to get to this point. 

I'll love you forever Evalina Jayde💗